My fourth ultrasound today showed that the heart probably stopped beating last week. This is not a tremendous surprise considering my previous ultrasound results that were not very encouraging. "It was most certainly due to a chromosomal problem from the outset".
The most curious thing is that to this minute I still have morning sickness and can feel twinges in my uterus. I am told that this is the placenta growing like it is supposed to despite the demise of the fetus. Can I tell you that feeling pregnant when you're not - sucks?
Am I heartbroken? No. Am I sad? Very. Years / months of hopes dashed keep accumulating. We, that are struggling with infertility, keep on keeping on. Thank goodness for medical science in addition to faith to give us hope. Thank goodness that IVF is mandated in Arkansas and I have some frozen embryos to try again.
I have some silver linings:
> I have frozen embryos.
> I have my God to remind me about Nature's way.(Science and Nature: what a delicate balance)
> The company I work for recently deployed good private short term disability. I can now enroll in time to have paid benefits when maternity leave DOES happen for me. For me this is a tremendous benefit. Now, I can take time off work to bond with my newborn and still be able to pay the bills that warm my house and fill my fridge. In my 20 years in the workforce, this is the first company I have been employed by that offers health insurance- much less disability. Now I'm just like families in all other developed nations!
Do these sentiments make me a socialist Sarah Palin? Or is my situation (insurance, disability, and state mandate) a free market example? Just call me Hussein.
( I didn't intend to mix my technical logs with my political logs. Strange how that's been my evolution)
I'm going to step out and catch this grand sunset.
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