Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Chickadee didn't make it.

My fourth ultrasound today showed that the heart probably stopped beating last week. This is not a tremendous surprise considering my previous ultrasound results that were not very encouraging. "It was most certainly due to a chromosomal problem from the outset".

The most curious thing is that to this minute I still have morning sickness and can feel twinges in my uterus. I am told that this is the placenta growing like it is supposed to despite the demise of the fetus. Can I tell you that feeling pregnant when you're not - sucks?

Am I heartbroken? No. Am I sad? Very. Years / months of hopes dashed keep accumulating. We, that are struggling with infertility, keep on keeping on. Thank goodness for medical science in addition to faith to give us hope. Thank goodness that IVF is mandated in Arkansas and I have some frozen embryos to try again.


I have some silver linings:


> I have frozen embryos.
> I have my God to remind me about Nature's way.(Science and Nature: what a delicate balance)
> The company I work for recently deployed good private short term disability. I can now enroll in time to have paid benefits when maternity leave DOES happen for me. For me this is a tremendous benefit. Now, I can take time off work to bond with my newborn and still be able to pay the bills that warm my house and fill my fridge. In my 20 years in the workforce, this is the first company I have been employed by that offers health insurance- much less disability. Now I'm just like families in all other developed nations!

Do these sentiments make me a socialist Sarah Palin? Or is my situation (insurance, disability, and state mandate) a free market example? Just call me Hussein.

( I didn't intend to mix my technical logs with my political logs. Strange how that's been my evolution)





I'm going to step out and catch this grand sunset.

23 comments:

Leigh said...

My thoughts are with you! I know what you are going through, since I am seven weeks. It is still too early to be jumping up and down. At least the mandate will still stand, thanks in part to your efforts. You will be able to try again and the rest of us if needed will too.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry.

Emily said...

I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs. Take care of yourself, and let your hubby take care of you too.

Cathy said...

So sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are still keeping a lot of hope for the future though which is good.

<<< Hugs >>>

MrsSpock said...

Oh, so sorry.

Rachie Pachie said...

So very sorry to hear that. And, yeah, continuing to feel pregnant would definitely suck.

Thinking about you & I hope you enjoyed the sunset.

Courtney said...

I'm so sorry for you loss Virginia. big hugs.

Kristi said...

So, so very sorry...

(((HUGS)))

Clio said...

I feel so much for you. The sadness. The body still preparing for a baby that's not there...
It must hurt so much. I'm sorry it didn't happen.
but at the same time, how nice to see you so positive with your silver linings. :)
take good care of yourself, connect with your husband, enjoy some wine and plan for your FET.
((hug))

ashley said...

I more than know what you mean about still feeling pregnant and not being pregnant. The morning before our ultrasound of our third pregnancy, I was vomiting even before the appointment because I had such bad morning sickness, only to find out that the fetus had died. Sucks. There is hope after loss and once you are able to give your body and emotions some time to recover from your loss I hope you continue on your journey even stronger than before. Take care.

Emily said...

I am so very sorry. HUGS!

Good silver linings though :)

KandiB said...

Your story is so similar to mine...truly heartbreaking. If you need to talk...

I think knowing that my little bean would never had made it (Chromosome stuff) helped a teency bit. Knowing there was nothing I nor any doctor could do, and that it's God's way of helping/ensuring that we have healthy babies. Anyway...that was something that I held on to. It didn't alieviate the pain or grief, but it helped me rationalize it, somehow.

\\hugs\\ \\LOTS of hugs\\

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm so sorry.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I'm sorry, sweetie. That absolutely sucks.

N said...

The feeling of being pregnant when you're not is possibly the absolute worst. I know that I, personally, had a lot of body issues, and now that we're TTC again, don't trust my body for anything. It's sad.


I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

projectkjetil said...

So so sorry.

Cara said...

Here from L & F. So sorry to hear of your miscarriage. Your tone of hope is really uplifting to hear.

thinking of you.

Billy said...

Sorry to hear of your loss.
Yes, feeling you're pregnant when you are not sucks big time.
But I love your positive attitude.
(here from L&F)

Hillary said...

I am so sorry for your loss!
Here from LFCA.
makingmemom.blogspot.com

Cassandra said...

Oh, Virginia, I am so sorry about your Chickadee.

Photogrl said...

I'm so sorry.

Lots and lots of ((HUGS)) to you.

Andie said...

I'm so sorry (over from LFCA)

Straubles said...

I'm so sorry. Hang in there. You have the frozen embies and there is always hope!